By John Elder
March 30, 2013, 6:29 p.m.
George W. Bush had probably forgotten he’d named North Korea as part of the axis of evil. He wouldn’t be giving North Korea much thought at all, busy as he is throwing horseshoes and whatnot.
The world’s leaders are scratching their heads because Pyongyang is threatening to nuke Texas. Analysis of North Korea’s US Strike Plan indicates that Mr Bush’s ranch in Crawford lies close to the projected line of fire.
What’s Kim Jong-un really up to? It’s 11,000 kilometres from Pyongyang to Austin. North Korea’s longest-range missiles are said to have a working range of 3900 kilometres, and would run out of gas a third of the way into the trip to Texas.
Hence, this is nothing but classic attention-seeking behaviour. Kim Jong-un is essentially asking George W. the saddest question of all: “Remember me?”
The answer has been: “Well, yeah, but who cares?”
Texans don’t. “Was it me?” chortled Karl Rove, Mr Bush’s former aide and fellow Texan. Others have joked – or rather engaged in wishful thinking – that Mr Kim is actually targeting Austin’s dope-smoking hippie enclave.
When Mr Kim was pictured working at an Apple iMac, one local resident suggested that he was the “ultimate Apple fanboy” and was planning to “nuke Dell”, the PC company located nearby.
All of which means Texans aren’t talking about North Korea at all – they are, as usual, talking about themselves.
None of this will relieve Mr Kim’s abandonment issues. This talk that he is in “a state of war” with South Korea is akin to a sibling rivalry tantrum. China and Russia are standing by, shaking their heads, like awkward parents on the sideline of a particularly embarrassing soccer game that’s on the verge of a brawl.
Mr Kim’s problem, as the archetypal outsider weirdo child, is he can’t get a game. Still, weirdo children are dangerous and, in their own way, wily.
So the question remains, what is Mr Kim really up to? Is he truly seeking revenge for international isolation and crippling trade sanctions – he’s not legally entitled to own that Apple computer, by the way – or is this fit of pique of a more personal nature?
The useless threats against Texas suggest the latter.
And yet it’s a ruse. A white paper found that his longest-range missiles could be tricked out to make 6400 kilometres. Some analysts note this puts Alaska in range of a nuclear strike.
Alaska, however, isn’t the target. Mr Kim is after Canada.
Lonely weirdos hate being misunderstood – but they hate even more when someone truly understands their frailty.
In 2004, Canadian Trey Parker wrote and directed a movie called Team America, in which Mr Kim’s father, Kim Jong-il, made an appearance singing the family song: “I’m so ronery, so very ronery.”
We all laughed. And now we must pay.